sarahsamudre:

I am panicking right now. 

I am submitting my manuscript on Friday. 

I tried to set a deadline of September 23rd, but I got caught up with work stuff. September 30 is the absolute latest I can submit my book, since the presses I’m submitting to have September and May reading periods. 

Ugh. So not only do I have a lot of work to do on this, but I’m struggling with a lot of doubt in my abilities.

Last fall, after I’d gotten a request for my full manuscript from an agent I was very excited about, I figured I’d get a hold of my old creative writing teacher and let her see my manuscript. She is a published author whose first book was a national bestseller, but has been trying for the last four years to have her second book accepted by the publisher. It has been sent back multiple times. When I got a hold of her, she sounded very discouraged about it, but also, very excited to read my book. 

So I sent it to her, at my expense. She asked me what kind of feedback I’d like and I was really looking forward to her comments.

On my birthday last year, I got them. She’s only read the first 60 pages of the book and some of what she offered was very apt criticisms, but a bulk of it was based off of not having read more (such as criticizing spending too much time meeting townspeople or wanting me to reveal what Arnold’s secret was in the beginning, not realizing that A) it’s a novel about community and B) if Chloe knew Arnold’s secret right away, she’d never would’ve gotten involved in the town). I was processing her advice, both the good and the ill-informed, but it was my birthday and we were leaving town for a day up in Leavenworth. 

My birthday, by the way, is December 22nd. So I figured I’d wait until after Christmas to respond. However, I got an email from her on Boxing Day, four days later, assuming I was ticked off with her, telling me she only meant to compliment me and then writing: 

“In my humble opinion, your novel is potentially publishable - the majority of what I read is not.”

I couldn’t respond to that. First off, she didn’t read my novel. She didn’t even read a quarter of it. Secondly, you can’t have a HUMBLE opinion and then issue an edict against something, especially if you’ve only published one book. That doesn’t make you an authority

I was so hurt by what she’d written. I was hurt that she stopped reading at page 60 after promising to read the entire book, I was hurt that she said it was, in its majority, not publishable. I was hurt that she took two months to get back to me and then didn’t even allow me four days at Christmas to process what she’d said before she accused me of taking offense.

I’ve told myself over and over that she was probably struggling with her own book and the last thing she may’ve wanted to do is go over someone else’s. But I’ve been dealing with “In my humble opinion, your novel is potentially publishable - the majority of what I read is not” for the last ten months. 

A lot of you have read the book and have told me the opposite, and trust me, you’ve all healed my psyche in that respect. I don’t know why she said things as harshly as she did, although I can guess based off of her career hardships why, it’s still crushing when a mentor does that to you. 

This is basically a Rory/Mitchum Huntsberger thing, only I didn’t convince Vasant to steal a yacht with me. 

Anyway, as far as those of you who’ve read the book have carried me, I’m still struggling against those words. I’m scared over every little thing that might convince someone to turn off before hitting page 60. 

Every time I hit a snag, her words haunt me. Every time one of you tells me you love the book, I am able to fight back a bit, but still. There may not be enough self-confidence in the world to shut my doubts up this week.

And that may be good. Doubts will keep me digging for the absolute best. I just need to be prepared for a mental and emotional shut down on Saturday.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know where I am this week. I may be extra quiet this week, especially compared with all the teacups and coffeemugs on Sunday. I promise to be back, ranting, writing and drawing this weekend. But until then, as I labor away at getting this manuscript ready, think good thoughts for me. I’m fighting a few bleak words off with the many I’ve received from my beta group, but oh, it’s hard to fight bleak words at all. Especially when they’re from someone you weren’t on guard against. 

Anyway, I’m rambling. I’ve been editing for 14 hours and I should get some sleep. Goodnight, tumblrini.