Posted on January 31, 2010 - by sarahsamudre

Sometimes It Takes a Month to Start a Year

I wanted to start the blogging year off with a personal post about the way I view New Year’s goals and hopes. In the following post, you’ll read nothing about the weight I hope to lose or the habits I’m giving up or the regimen I’m placing myself on. I know I’m young, but I feel I’m old enough to begin to grasp that external goals set in January can be an incredible exercise in frustration. There are things I hope for this year, and things I will hold myself to, but they’re of a different quality than the kind of resolutions I used to set. With this post, I just want to reflect on the way last year ended and what’s taken me so long to even blog about it in the first place. Life is always tougher and stranger than I plan for at the start of every year and month and week. So this year, I’d like to start out differently.

But first, background. How did the last year end for me?

So a little over a month and a half ago, Vasant and I finished our apartment. He and my father started working on this four years ago (although serious construction started in 2008). While we’ve been going to school and working, every spare minute of Vasant’s time was invested into our place. And this Christmas, we finally woke up in our cozy hobbit hole of an apartment.

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Now, I can’t emphasize enough how much work Vasant put into our apartment. He’d work ten to twelve hours in the apartment and then come in to study Latin, history, theory of cinema, linguistics, etc. So this last December, with the quarter finished and the apartment finally livable, we moved in, held our first party on the third day we lived there (to celebrate my birthday) and had our tree set up in time for Christmas.

As soon as Christmas was done, however, we had a lot of work to do. Shelves still needed to be put up, hardware needed to be installed, our storage unit is STILL not all the way emptied and the unpacking didn’t seem to have an end in sight. So when New Years’ rolled around, we barely noticed. We had people over for a Champagne and Curry Party, followed by our annual Lord of the Rings marathon the following day. Then we slept. For the next two days. And with the important projects out of the way, we got ready for another quarter at the University. So while the rest of the world took stock of the New Year and the New Decade, I read forlornly on Twitter and wished I had the energy to make a similar post. I told myself that once the quarter began, I would find the time.

The above being said, may I just point out that being naive has always been one of my biggest faults. This quarter we’re taking Marxian Literary Theory and Accelerated Italian (it’s Italian 101 and 102 fit into a single quarter). The Italian course is fascinating. It’s by far my favorite romance language yet. The class, however, is taxing. We do about ten hours of homework a day to stay on top of the course work. The Marxian literary theory is equally fascinating, but also takes up several hours of the day. So far, an average school day has been up at 7:30 and to bed around 3:30. On top of which is the continued effort to unpack boxes, hang pictures, organize the kitchen and bathroom and bedroom just so, and find a few hours each day for ourselves.

Blogging obviously wasn’t ranked high enough to fit into those few precious hours, though I missed it.

So now we’re about 80% put together. We still need baseboards and windowsill trim, we need to rebuild the kitchen island and the bedroom isn’t were we’d like it, but that’ll come in the next couple months. I guess what I’ve been waiting for, in order to begin writing and blogging again,  is my library and desk area to be finished.

And it has been.

And it’s beautiful.

I’m surrounded by my books, and on my desk is a sword that Vasant gave me for my birthday (it’s a replica of Hadhafang, a sword from Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings). I can sit down, as of this weekend, and write again in a place that makes me feel comfortable, secure and at the same time, motivated. It’s absolutely imperative for the way that I write to have such a space. The ADD-addled portion of my brain is kept from running amok by having a zen-like space in which to work. And I have it again.

So the first month of 2010 is finished. And I have yet to say anything about what I want this year to be. I know what will happen this year: Vasant and I will be graduating this fall, each with two degrees. Four diplomas total. Whatever else does or does not happen, that will, so it’s already going to be a challenging and yet incredibly rewarding year.

My book is almost done. Moving put the end of it off the last two months, because I don’t believe in being a writer that neglects her spouse. At the end of November, it was clear the book needed to be put on hold while we burned both ends of the candle to finish building before our permit expired and to begin and finish moving before Christmas. Now that we’re in, found a rhythm in school and I have my library set up, the book can be worked on again. Hopefully, if no major unforeseen event happens, it’ll be finished within the next couple of weeks.

As a pragmatist, I never really feel I can or should speak for what I want a year to be. Even writing the above irks my inner worrier. I expect and plan for the worst, and hope for the best. I can say, however, what I expect of my soul by the end of the year and hold myself to, achieving a constant upward progression of the heart. I want to be wiser. I want to love with a bigger heart and let that love translate into action. I want to be a better wife. I want to have better boundaries. I want to stop being afraid of things and letting that fear paralyze my actions in the present. I want to find a voice in my writing that is truer to how I verbally tell stories, and I think overcoming fear in my life will help that. Again, as a pragmatist, I don’t believe in goals that aren’t under my control or aren’t prudent. I’m not going to give up something that I’ll only pick back up in June. I’m not going to say I’ll lose “X” amount of weight, because I just don’t know what this year holds. I know I can shape my world view, my heart, my head, and that no matter what happens this year, I get to choose whether or not I grow personally or stay the same. I can’t even say that the graduation or book will happen for sure, as a pragmatist, I consider the “what if” scenarios. What if I get really sick? As someone who already has several illnesses, that’s not outside the realm of possibility. And if something bad happens, no matter what it is, my goals for the year are still under my control, because I can choose to transcend or stay the same.

So, a month into 2010, I finally have time to reflect. 2009 is done, and we finished our home. Now we’re in it, both the new home and the new year and there are lots of hopes. But one thing we’ve learned with a building project that took four years instead of four months is that life doesn’t always play out how you think it will at the start of each new year. And when December 31st rolls around, you can either rejoice in the triumphs of the intangibles you cultivated within, or feel let down by circumstances that were never really in your control anyway. Over the last several years, we’ve been faced with disease and disaster and I’ve learned this lesson the tough way, and again, I think I’m naive if I assume I’m anywhere near done learning it.

So here is to 2010 and the next 11 months. I hope I never forget or let go of this: I choose what I develop each year. And I’m much better off if I set my sights on developing good things within, and just place tenuous hope on the things I’m working for around me.